Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
