My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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