i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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