When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
