my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
