There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Are we still banned from the library?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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