life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
