I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my shit smells like andre
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
