sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
