I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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