god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
