Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
