what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
