Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
