tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
