piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
