$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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