Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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