I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
my poor anus
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
