I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
