I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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