this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Panties = found
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