the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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