Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
