I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
