Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
