I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
