I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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