I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Watching her eat just hurts me
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
