I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
