Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Of course I have a pirate flag
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
