Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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