forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
