just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
