how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
