my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
