Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
