when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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