Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
