why didn't you poke me back
my being single is dangerous.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
