you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
