My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
