what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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