my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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