Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We left an ass print on the piano.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
