Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
