life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
