I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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