There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
