i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
