The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
