You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
