I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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