for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
