I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
