How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
