the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
