My sheets look like a crime scene.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
